I am Not a Noob
by Pollux Unbound
Summary: Kakashi is exceptionally brilliant in everything he does…almost. Asking a particular someone out is one thing he has to master, while jealousy he has to conquer. Genma comes to his rescue. Oneshot. KakaIru.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto; genius Kishimoto does.

**Warning**: This is pointless I assure you.

...

Hatake Kakashi is a born procrastinator. Such character of his manifests fairly clearly in matters concerning punctuality, report deadlines, promises, personal appointments and so on. Surely, this simply is a common misdemeanor among geniuses who tire easily of the mundane requirements of everyday life. Hence this just comes to pass as some regular occurrence. Yes, he can go about his business freely with his nose perpetually buried between pages of Icha Icha Paradise without anyone heaping the slightest complaint on him whenever shortcomings result from his delinquency. He is a privileged man indeed.

It also comes as no surprise that he has not the faintest idea on how to act upon a certain desire which has long been gnawing fire in his heart. It isn't that he's not trying; on the contrary, his actions are always held in check whenever this certain desire goes thick. But being a man in earnest, he can only contain his anxiety to limited extents.

At this time of the day, anyone can bet his life, and the lives of a thousand others for that matter, that Kakashi can be found perched upon a gigantic branch of the oak tree rooted five yards from the south wall of the Ninja Academy. In spite of the peculiarity of this occupation, not a soul knows what purpose this seemingly pointless activity presents because, to start with, no man alive has the keen senses required to determine the exact actions of the stealth master while he's at it. Or perhaps no one in his right mind would have suspected that a sane Shinobi would spend his time motionlessly rooted on a branch of a bug-infested otherwise boring tree for one whole hour. Of course, he employs his colossal Shinobi skills in this so significant a pastime, for if people were to learn what business he had in such a peculiar position, he would…well, he can always resort to his never-will-be credible excuses, which dangle somewhere along the lines of having been detained by alien abduction to being transported there by sleepwalking.

For now, the highly skilled Jounin is in a state of keen absorption of the sight before him. From where he observes can be enjoyed an unobstructed view of the window of a particular classroom. This classroom, from his personal conception, differs grandly from and shines above all other spaces he can judge, the entire universe included, because in it is Iruka Umino, conducting a series of basic lectures in a class of nine-year olds. Oh how the Jounin adores the way this Chunin opens and closes his mouth. How he fancies the clumsy manner by which the instructor reprimands his rowdy students. Oh how mesmerized is he anyway? None can tell, to such a point that perhaps he himself cannot scale the magnitude of Iruka's effects on him. Nevertheless, he continues to observe and drink in the scene as minutes of his life pass by like a reading list, assuming all is to go as predicted: he will watch until the Chunin's lesson is over, while a combat of second thoughts takes place in his baffled skull, and in the end he will decide to take action later; later being anytime besides now, therefore the schedule covers the spaces of time from here until he drops dead, therefore, again, he's not going to take any action today, as such is always the case. Initiative is dead, perhaps.

What he doesn't know is, today will have a less-than-exact resemblance with anything he has been expecting all along.

It appears Iruka's lecture requires the assistance of another Shinobi. Kakashi becomes aware of this when Genma Shiranui, the Examiner, enters the classroom. After a set of demonstrations involving simple jutsus, the impressed class erupts to a huge applause. Upon witnessing such a grand reception for a rather simple show, Kakashi gives a slightly derisive laugh to express his appreciation of the two's efforts.

What he also doesn't know is, he won't be laughing for long.

Finally, the bell rings, prompting the urchins to rise from their feet in a disciplined coherence. In time, they say goodbye to their senseis. As today varies from any other day preceding it, although he is still unaware of it, the Jounin eyes the Chunin with much apprehension as the room is bereaved of students at last. At length, Iruka and Genma are the only ones left in the room. From an all-seeing point of view, anyone can easily guess that the Examiner shares a common interest with the Jounin; _Iruka_. Despite his business in the room having come to a pleasant end, Genma has decided to tarry longer than necessary. He approaches the Chunin with caution but with an evident confidence that, by the time he reaches a spot that can be considered as close proximity, Kakashi, upon impulse, detaches himself from the tree branch, brushes past the bushes, and pins his ear against the external wall of the room, all in lightning speed. Now the practiced stealth of eavesdropping is in full demonstration, for he has managed to dodge the attention of both the Chunin and the Examiner, or so it seems.

"You busy tonight, Umino?" Genma asks.

Kakashi gives a start upon hearing this, and the unseen beating of his chest continuously becomes louder with each passing moment. Here is a man who, from his exclusive and rather dishonest opinion, is mediocre in all aspects, demonstrating the simplicity of that thing he so finds vastly difficult to execute. Here is a creature, though also a Jounin but way below him (he thinks), proving in a very candid manner how asking Umino Iruka out does not happen to be a big challenge. As it is, the distraught Jounin is starting to feel as though he is being stripped naked with all his disabilities unraveled for the entire world to see.

"Not at all." Iruka answers with more cordiality than what is required.

Alas, Icha Icha Paradise drops on the ground and is now left in cruel abandonment, perhaps never to be recalled to life. With the accompanying loss of self-awareness comes the fall of his shoulders under an unknown weight. Finally, the Jounin is staring off to an imaginary point, looking like a total moron.

"Well, then, forgive me for sounding most straightforward, but may I have the pleasure of accompanying you tonight, wherever?"

"Alright then. Is dinner okay?"

"Dinner it is. I'll meet you at Tom's Diner at eight." The Examiner finishes.

Between bouts of indignation and silent fury, Kakashi knows not what to make of anything presently at hand. His option for actions ranges from launching an array of creative insults at the Examiner to doing nothing, the latter being permanently inked in his daily list of things to, er, do. As always, he opts for the that, as predictably as the sun may rise in the east. But now he finds himself losing this faint resolve as he saunters witlessly away from the building, where much of his sanity has been robbed, all in five accursed minutes or less. He trudges on, not really knowing where to go, seeing that his sense of direction has entirely deserted him. Lastly, he no longer cares what continuation those two may add in their flirtatious exchanges; all he knows is, Genma is a thieving git and a conniving bastard who loves to steal other people's love life and stab his fellow Shinobis in the back.

_And to think he did it right before my eyes!_ Kakashi thinks.

If he could just alter the color of his heart, he would do so much obligingly. But all 181 centimeters of him perfectly knows he can as much not love the Chunin as easily as he can forget his own name. With that in mind, he resigns with a miraculous decision that he is actually going to do something about it; yes, it means he won't be sitting around tormented and waiting for a heralded turn of events.

_Who does Genma think he is? _He ponders_. I happen to be the everybody-proclaimed future Hokage while that prick can't even work himself up to a more sophisticated Jounin pitch._ He sighs amid this personal consolation.

He breezes into a recollection of the information he gathered from snooping earlier: _Dinner at eight at Tom's Diner_. Now all he has to do is set his genius wheels in motion. He thinks. He ruminates. He formulates. Nothing. This really isn't his type of thing. He's a social retard, for crying out loud.

_I guess I'll just have to show up there and ruin their evening. To hell with reputation, good breeding, intrusion, turn-off (though god forbid); those two are asking for it!_

So Kakashi has made up his mind, but not without an ample amount of cursing, all in futility.

He shows up at Tom's Diner as early as he could manage; one hour behind desired schedule. He looks rather pleasant indeed in a black coat and a red tie. The only thing missing is a date, which just about renders the entire get-up pointlessly miserable. He surveys the interior of the restaurant with a detached curiosity. Alas, he spots the two Shinobi nettled upon a window table, looking as though the world belongs to them. Never has Kakashi, in his entire life, so much desired to flee. There on Iruka's face is an expressed glee, or is it longing (from Kakashi's paranoid and distorted judgment)? He wonders if he someday will be the cause of such joy. He, then, resentfully shifts his eyes to Genma, who is displaying equal amount of joy. Distressed and partly reluctant, the Jounin makes his way over the two in a deliberate attempt to make his presence appear like a chance occurrence. As he does, he tries with great effort to familiarize himself with the diner's environment. He sizes up possible outcome of his intruding escapade or his not-too-surreptitious espionage; humiliation is likely while awkwardness is a certainty. Oh well, it's not like dignity would matter much to him if his Iruka ended up with Genma…it's not like _anything_ would matter at all after such calamity!

Here goes nothing.

"Enjoying a pleasant evening, I presume." Kakashi greets, sounding as though he has stumbled upon them accidentally.

"Ah. If it isn't Kakashi-san." Genma says reverently.

"Come and join us." Iruka offers. The Jounin winces upon hearing the voice. Meanwhile, the Examiner is gesturing at him to sit down beside him.

This is far from what he expects. It turns out that his presence there, the carefully-plotted siege, is welcome intrusion.

"We were just talking about you." Genma starts at Kakashi.

"Really? What of me?"

Iruka casts a quick and furtive glance at the Examiner, who returns it with a contrastingly reassuring wink. Such confiding exchange is well enough to work the Jounin up into a pitch of fury. It is fortunate indeed that he is capable of setting his solitary state apart to display instead.

"Not much. About your type of woman—I mean—_person_." Genma says.

The Chunin snorts on his wine, and a rapid succession of suppressed coughs follows. The Jounin, for his part, is looking blankly at Genma.

"And what, may I ask, brought you to touch on such subject?" Kakashi asks in a dignified tone when, inside, every organ in his system starts to join his heart in a rhythmic pulsation. But being the perfect model of emotional restraint that he is, he impeccably suppresses all signs of discomfort, thankfully.

"Nothing. Just an uninspired curiosity. You might wanna ask Umino here; he seems rather keen with interest in the subject." The Examiner answers pointedly, as his intentions of directing the conversation somewhere are being displayed in good effect. Iruka scowls at his date with a special gracelessness that his agitation is growing too obvious to miss.

"It's nothing like that, I assure you." The Chunin says in defense, throwing a nasty, reproachful look at Genma. There is an unfinished and hasty irregularity in his manner of speaking, though.

"Is that so?" The Jounin interrupts, "My curiosity is irking me too; there's something I'd like to ask as well." A predatory aura was about him, though he knows not what's fueling this bold behavior, and in the presence of his Iruka too! At that, Genma and Iruka are impelled to exchange slightly puzzled looks.

"But, surely, we won't settle for something as unsatisfying as our questions left unanswered." The Examiner persists as though a certain thirst is in dire need of quenching. He then gives the Jounin the kind of look that has decent distance below any discernible malice but meaningful nonetheless. He continues, "So what _is_ your type of person?"

Here is this Examiner again, subjecting him to a form of agony he's barely accustomed to. Just how is he going to answer this goddamn question without confirming this bloke's dirty speculations? His mind departs to elsewhere, and his thoughts are scattering, preventing him from answering immediately. The Chunin is eyeing him with an inhibited curiosity. At long last, he makes partial use of his brain.

"Someone simple—easy to please, perhaps." Kakashi answers in a tone that has an absurd combination in it: conciseness and uncertainty.

"So he doesn't have to be a complicated person?" Genma asks, insignificantly stating the obvious. Frankly, he may have been simply rephrasing the answer to exercise his language skills or lack thereof.

"Yes, that much is obvious." The Jounin replies.

"So it's a 'he'?" The Examiner reigns triumphant. His grin can't have implied unbridled fascination and childish excitement more transparently.

Iruka looks away, evidently wanting to excuse himself or to erupt to a surfeit of disapproval against Genma's behavior.

Kakashi's chest hulks ostentatiously beneath his jacket. Here he is, utterly defeated and outsmarted by the 'mediocre' fellow Jounin, and wrung to the last and final point of endurance. He hopes against hope for some sort of an unlikely miracle of a great coincidental type to just intervene and save him from this abject, cornered position.

"Yeah, it's a 'he'." The Jounin confirms finally. Well, to his credit, it came unbidden, inexplicably and without method. It's now Iruka's and Genma's turn to gape blankly at him.

"I see…then, what is it you wanted to ask?" the Examiner asks Kakashi as coolly as he can afford.

"Are you two dating?"

"No. Far from it." Iruka answers quickly.

"Oh I see. What was I thinking?" The Jounin mutters to himself, and his chest is jumping around with joy.

"That's all you wanted to ask?" The Examiner asks.

"Yes, I suppose so."

Minutes of silence pass. Iruka speaks,

"Well, then, it's been a pleasure dining with you two; I have to go now; I've an early calling tomorrow."

"I see. Would you like either of us to walk you home?" Genma asks casually. But Kakashi was looking up at Iruka longingly.

"That won't be necessary. Good night, sempai." And he turns to his heels.

Kakashi remains seated as if he is compelled against his will, as if an explosion of protests is ready to be fired up from his open mouth. Without thinking twice, the Jounin rises up to his feet as Iruka reaches the exit, but Genma grabs him by the wrist and pulls him back to his seat.

"Kakashi-san, sit down; he can manage."

"I just—"

"—I _know_. Now sit down, for Christ's sake."

"Huh? You know what?" the Jounin asks irritably.

Genma is adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves, trying to look reserved, much to Kakashi's annoyance.

"You were so obvious, Kakashi-san, like so freakin' obvious, like you could've just stuffed a love letter in his mouth and expected he wouldn't notice. Chasing after him now will just render you a lovesick prat. I mean, ever heard of subtlety?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The Jounin says dismissively though nervously. Sometimes, he amazes himself with all these expressions elicited in his face at the same time. A failed attempt to feign innocence indeed.

"Is that so? Does your 'I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about' explain what you were doing on that oak tree outside his classroom, apparently watching him?"

This is the part when Hatake Kakashi officially falls under the category Busted Hopelessly and when his Sharingan is called by desperate necessity.

"Okay, what exactly do you want, Genma?" He asks resignedly, his capacity for condescension employing its use despite the urgent need of punching Genma in the nose, point blank.

"Oh nothing much. Just a little something to elevate my rank." The Examiner says methodically, as if all is rehearsed.

"You're already a Jounin; like me. You aiming to be the Hokage in the next five minutes or something?" Kakashi asks sarcastically.

"Nah. Here's how it goes; is my sharpness to be wasted conducting Chunin exams? I mean, come on man, I got you all figured out in one look. For that I daresay I already deserve more than this meek rank."

"And how, pray tell, can I conceivably elevate your so-called meek position?"

"A recommendation letter, Kakashi! I want to be a Team Leader too, you know!"

"Since when have you decided on being an extortionist?"

"I'm merely suggesting. And, besides, I haven't even relayed the 'conditions' yet. But if you wanna let him date _me_ instead, that's fine with me; he ain't half bad, if you ask me. I can get my recommendation from someone else. Still, yours would be top-of-the-line, if you know what I mean."

Kakashi sighs. Genma's remarks ring true and sensible. Truer still is that the Examiner is no ordinary Shinobi. Far from it. In fact, he deserves a promotion among other things.

"Fine. Just how do I—you know—_that_?" The Jounin asks with an uncharacteristic vagueness and a good deal of hesitation.

"Ask him out? You know how; you watched me do it earlier, in the classroom, remember?"

"That's it? Let me guess the next thing you're going to tell me: the world is round."

"You think it's simple, don't you? Allow me to ask, _can_ you do it?"

"Hmp. So, what does Iruka think of me?" Kakashi asks in such a manner that deliberately manifests minimal interest, and he may as well be hoping to win an argument against Plato in Latin.

"About you? Nothing, if I may be frank. He likes straightforward guys. You better practice, Kakashi-san, or else you'll lose this. I'll just be around if there's anything you'd like to ask regarding this stuff. But you shouldn't worry; I'll hint him to you. With that, he'll definitely go out with you, rest-assuredly."

"Yeah, sure. So, when will you need this recommendation letter?" The Jounin asks, sounding rather flushed by the information that Iruka is not in the least interested in him.

"A week from now, at most."

"It's a deal then...and you know what this leads to: hands off him and the letter's yours."

"Thanks."

"I'll say this again; hands off him or you may kiss the letter goodbye." The Jounin repeats warningly before resuming his habitual aspect of coolness.

Genma has this obstinate habit of expressing his fascination without restraint. He looks at the Jounin square in the face, the corners of his lips climbing higher and higher up his cheeks and his eyes narrowing and slanting steeper in each passing moment.

"As you wish, Kakashi-san."

-_Genma's Flashback (one hour earlier at Tom's Diner)_-

"You're so obvious, like, you can't speak when Kakashi-san is around, like so obvious in fact you might as well steal the underwear he's wearing." Genma tells Iruka knowingly.

"That's some ridiculous accusation, Genma." The Chunin answers while waving his hand impatiently.

"If you don't take action now some Kunoichi will snag him—rape him, maybe. I mean, come on, it's better to take a shot and miss than to not take a shot at all!" The Examiner says heatedly as though hinting at some grave consequence should Iruka refuse to do what he's suggesting.

"Fine. What do you want me to do? Ask him out, is that it?"

"Oh no, I'm cocksure you don't have to; he'll be asking _you_ out instead." The Examiner reassures, with his remark fostering skepticism rather than trust.

"And just how in this subtlety-deprived world is that going to happen?"

"Just write a Recommendation Letter that testifies my efficiency in handling Genins, so I can be Team Leader already." Genma says, his voice escalating to a more urgent tone upon finishing his remark.

"You know what, Genma-sempai? I can use a little logic here. A Recommendation Letter for your promotion equals Hatake Kakashi asking me out; how plausible indeed."

But Genma does not answer. He gives a sudden jerk, and his eyes are darted at the door. Kakashi has just entered the restaurant. The Examiner stares pointedly at Iruka, then at the Jounin, as he scuffles to appear cool, "Oh look, he's here. Just act like you don't see him. Something tells me he'll join us and will be asking you out on a date in no time; bet you a million yen." He sips his wine, waiting for the Jounin's inevitable intrusion.

Iruka sighs in an I-give-up manner.

_-end of flashback—_

And the soon-to-be Team Leader whistles a merry tune as he treads his way to his apartment.

**END**


End file.
